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Abandonment

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

I just told friends that I am saying a prayer for those who have gone through abandonment. 

Some people think abandoment only happens when someone physically picks up and leaves.  What they do not always understand is abandonment comes in many forms.

I’ve found many people who have suffered what it’s like to have someone withdraw their love, duty, support, or kindness from them.  When someone withdraws their love from the other person they are abandoning them.  This abandonment can happen even when people are living together. 

A woman leaves her husband or a husband leaves the wife but if you hear both sides of the story you are apt to find that they separated long before anyone physically left the marital home.  The woman may have left in the physical sense but the man may have left her feeling as though he abandoned her long before she walked out the door.

A child may be left to take care of responsibilities at home while the parents busy themselves with a career.  If the child is not given the support they need and if the responsibility left on their shoulders is too difficult of a task they may feel abandoned and overwhelmed.

A family may suffer the loss of a family member due to death or divorce.  Their church family may not bother to call them or check on them.  They will probably also feel abandoned.

In Isaiah 54 God basically tells us that God will be the Husband that takes care of us.  There may have been times in life when we felt distressed in spirit or abandoned.  God says to us that He knows about our times of rejection and He will bring us back.  He will have compassion on us.

Isaiah 54:5-8 “For your Maker is your husband—
       the LORD Almighty is his name—
       the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
       he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back
       as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
       a wife who married young,
       only to be rejected,” says your God.”For a brief moment I abandoned you,
       but with deep compassion I will bring you back.In a surge of anger
       I hid my face from you for a moment,
       but with everlasting kindness
       I will have compassion on you,”
       says the LORD your Redeemer.”

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Posted in Divorce, Do Unto Others As You Would Like Them To Do Unto You, Domestic Violence, Loneliness, Losses, Marriage | No Comments »

Beware Of These Types Of Abuse

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

There are many forms of abuse in relationships.  Here are some more things to help a person know if they are involved with someone that is abusive.  Remember abuse isn’t always done in the form of hitting although you may be threatened. 

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

A person may threaten to harm you financially if they let you know they want to take things from you.

A person may threaten to harm you if they say they are going to lie to the police declaring you have harmed them when you haven’t done so.  I recently read that abusers have started to try to manipulate the system by threatening to tell lies about their partner before or if their partner tells the truth about them. 

In most cases you have no choice but to get away from this abusive person.  Get away from them because they have proven to you that they cannot be trusted to do or say the right things.  If someone can threaten to tell lies about you & they have threatened to harm you in any way doesn’t that tell you they are not a loving person?

God does not want you to be unequally yoked.  If you are a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and you ended up married to someone that abuses you know that you can leave that destructive person.  You can leave & you most probably should leave before they get to manipulate you more than they have already.

Don’t blame yourself for their ugly behavior.  Don’t take the blame that isn’t yours to take.  Be honest (knowing you can’t lie to God or to yourself) and recognize that you were conned.  Recognize it for what it is and get away from the abuser. 

Remember the vows taken before God were vows that both people made.  Your con artist abusive partner failed to remember the vows taken.  You would remain faithful but your spouse did not remain faithful.  Faithfulness to treat a spouse with love & respect is part of a healthy relationship.  When your partner abuses you they are not faithful to God.  When they threaten to harm you they are not faithful to you.

Nowadays many Godly Pastors and counselors are aware of how bad these type of people are.  People that have been battered have started to open up telling these counselors what they have been going through. 

Do not stay in an abusive situation.  Get out. Stay out.  Do not talk with the abuser any more than you have to.  

Pray for ways to be set free from those type of people.  Ask God fearing people to pray for you.  When the opportunity arrives for you to go GO!

Flee like a bird being let out of it’s cage.  Run like a gazelle. 

I read that statistically it takes a victim about 7 times of returning to their partner before they finally leave for good.  Do the best you can to keep from being victimized as long as that!  Pray that you can have the strength to leave knowing that you will be healthier and happier without living with the one who abuses and uses you.

Don’t make excuses for your abuser.  Don’t remember the good times with them because those times were all lies, too!  They used every ounce of decency they could imagine to pretend to be someone they are not.    Recall they do know how to treat you the right way but they didn’t continue to do it!  They worked hard to learn about you before they got you in their lair.  They are like a nasty animal that seeks prey to devour.

People like that are not good people.  Find groups designed to help you recognize abusers tactics and remember what you’ve read. 

Do not trust your abuser again.  This person has not earned your trust.  Let your memory cause you to remember that there are people that cannot be trusted.  The person that abused you is not to be trusted.  You are better off without the abuser in your life. 

One of the first things an abuser does if you try to get away from them is they will start to act nicer.   They will do all they can to try to get you to recall the good times you once shared.  This is part of the cycle of abuse.  They want to pull you back into the trap.  It is best to remember exactly how ugly they acted.  Do recall the abusive things they said and did.  This is no time to forgive and forget!  Forgive YES Take Abuse NO!

Do not get confused just because you know God wants you to forgive 70 X 7.  God does want you to forgive.  God does not want you to remain a victim being abused by a nasty spirited person that thrives on harming other souls. 

The ones that pretend to love God are the worst of all enemies.  They are like King Saul throwing that weapon full force towards David.  They are tormented by whatever evil plagues them. They bounce back and forth seeking someone else to torment.   They are moved by jealousy, selfishness, greed, and they definitley have a power struggle.  They are not able to completely control themselves at all times.  They get very frustrated when they are no longer able to control you!  They will do almost anything to keep their victims deluded by them.

They do not love only one person fully.  They speak a lot of empty words.  Their words do not have life because they do not fulfill their good promises.  The person they love the most is themself!  They don’t know the power of true Godly love.  If they knew about God’s love they would show it.

I am all for marriage and miracles. It may be hard to tell it in this particular writing.  It’s just imperative for people to know that God did not intend for His children to be manipulated and conned by abusive liars.  These abusive liars are following the devil.  People that follow God do not hurt other people with abuse.

Love is not abuse! Abuse is not love!  Learn to recognize abuse so you won’t be a party to it.  Learn to recognize abuse so you can get away from it.  When God opens the door run and don’t look back.

Think of Lot’s wife and how she looked back.  She turned into a pillar of salt because she looked back.  What was she looking back at?  The place she left was being destroyed because the people were evil in that place.  Run away from evil.

Those who love the Lord hate evil. 

 

 

Posted in Betrayal, Changes, Deceivers, Divorce, Marriage | No Comments »

If Only

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

I saw the FIREPROOF movie.  It was a good movie. 

They have a book called the The Love Dare that is meant to be used by people that would like to salvage or help their marriage.

I knew about someone that wanted to use the book without first getting things straightened up in his life.  He was very good at telling other people what they needed to do to be in line with what he thought was right and good but he was not very good at just doing the right thing himself. He had control issues.  It was as though he thought he could use the book to get his wife to think once again that he was really trying to do the right thing.  Her eyes were opened to see that he had no intention on doing the right thing he just kept going through the motions to try to make her believe he cared about her and the things of God. 

They say the proof is in the pudding.  Actions still speak louder than words.  You can scream and shout and tell other people you care for them but until you are willing to do the right things your words will be empty. 

I thought about the man in the movie.  That man didn’t expect his wife to do anything for him by time he took the Fireproof challenge.  He did the right thing to save his marriage no matter how his wife acted.  That’s what the movie is all about.  It’s a man doing what he knows is right no matter what anyone else says or does.  He loved his wife enough to keep her by doing the right things.  He changed his own life and realized he had to let her decide if she wanted her new & changed man or not. 

When I found the copy of The Love Dare that I purchased  I had many emotions go through my mind for a few minutes.  The writing here is a result of what I saw.

If a man chooses to do the right things God will help him be blessed in a multitude of ways.  Where God guides He does provide.  If man chooses to continue to do things his own way he will not know the joy of following God with all his heart.

I also thought about the man that was once noted for saying that he wanted to quit going through the motions.  What a sad life it is for people that are like robots just going through the motions.  When you are led by the Spirit of God you are not like a robot living to please self or other people.  God’s Holy Spirit leads you to do the right thing.  Doing the right thing brings peace and contentment even if others do not follow.

Remember a cord of three strands is not easily broken.  God’s love flowing through two people is the cord of three strands.  If both people don’t apply God’s love the bond is shredded. 

God can heal anything.  God can fix or repair things man cannot fix.  Learn the love of the Lord and learn how to show it and apply it to your life.  Once you are able to do what you know is right you will begin to know what real life is all about. 

Posted in Love, Marriage, Thoughts by E ~ | No Comments »

Divorced Christians Are Not Second Class Citizens

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

See a few changes made to the original writing that was posted on May 11, 2010 – it was called  My Personal Views About Divorce

The talk about divorce among Christians usually involves Scriptures being used to remind us that what God has joined together no man may put asunder. I’ve quoted and prayed that passage over many marriages for years. I was first married for 26 years knowing the value of two people joined together trying to make a happy home life & receiving it by the grace of God. My first husband died of a malignant set of brain tumors.

God did not intend for people to make vows before Him then for them to break those vows. God did not intend for us to come before him breaking vows at any time.

What is a person to do if their spouse breaks vows to God and to the spouse?

God shows us in various places throughout the Bible that He wants us to do justly and to love mercy. He does want us to devotedly obey Him fulfilling the vows we made before Him. God is a God of commitment.

What should a person do if they marry someone that doesn’t do things in a just manner?

What if their partner is not very merciful at all?

God will not turn His back on you. God will not break His commitments. God won’t fail you. If you fail to fulfill your commitments to God He will deal with it. He dealt with people in the Bible that did not do what they said they would do. He gives people more than one chance in many cases. Just know that He is never deluded by man.

God also knows when a person has truly done their best to fulfill their vows. I have come to believe that God does not expect a Christian person to continually live with someone that won’t fulfill their commitments. If you are married to someone that doesn’t tell you the truth and you have found that they cannot be trusted to do the good things they said they would do then there is a one good reason to begin seeing if your relationship is worth salvaging. Seek Godly counsel. Read the Bible to see what lessons can be found within those pages.

I read today about the importance of trying to save a marriage. I’ve always been one that felt you should give it all you’ve got especially when it comes to marriage and more so if children are involved.

What if your spouse has open online accounts on meeting websites and he is stating that he isn’t married? – Easy answer for that one –> That is fraud. It is a spiritual form of adultery and lies. It is unfortunate but many people use the internet in wrong ways.

What if your spouse is abusive even if they only threaten to physically harm you? – Easy answer for that one –> No spouse should threaten to physically harm the other person. This is breaking the marriage covenant to care for the partner in a loving manner. Threats to harm someone are also forms of manipulation. Manipulation is a main concern if a man uses threats to try to cause the wife to fear him. The vows made before God and man have been broken. If your spouse is physically harming you then you do need to get out of the marriage unless there are quick positive changes that last for the remainder of the marriage. Do not become someone else’s punching bag.

What if your spouse isn’t honest with you about things and you find out that many of the things they told you before the marriage are not true? – The answer to this one isn’t so easy for some people but it’s very easy for others –> If you marry someone and they are not the person they pretended to be especially if they pretended to be a follower of the Lord you have been deceived. I’ve sought counsel from many Christian pastors about this. Pastors and Christian counselors I talked to told me a person is not bound in such circumstances. This is unfortunate but it is happening in many of the churches today. There are people that pretend to care about the things of God long enough to snag their catch. If the person you married does not show they have the fruit of the Holy Spirit showing up in your marital home behind closed doors you may try counseling but if the person does not show by their actions that they are truly walking with the Lord then you may want to seek a divorce.

Remember God is not a liar and He does not like deceit any more than decent Christian people like it.

There are a lot of things that can bring breakdown to the marriage. Many of these issues can be forgiven if both people are willing to work on those things. One spouse cannot make the other spouse stop being abusive. It is not right or fair for one spouse to always be taken advantage of while the other spouse acts like a tyrant.

Be aware that there are cunning and unkind people on this earth. It may be hard to comprehend how anyone could be so callous hearted that they would pretend to be loving and kind prior to a wedding and end up acting like mini dictators in their own homes after the vows have been made. It is even more ruthless if a person takes someone to church before and during the marriage and they even bother to pay tithes and put on a show at church only to end up acting like the devil when they get married.

There are many women that can tell you about how they married a man that puts on a kind front before others and even before the church family but when they are at home he treats her with much disrespect. Thank the Lord Jesus that women are starting to speak out about this. God does see all that is going on even when things happen behind the walls of a home.

Seek to correct anything you can correct. Look for ways to enjoy peace if it is at all possible. You may turn the other cheek a number of times only to find out that some people will not stop their abusive ways and the only way out is to pack your bags and go.

Divorce is not God’s original plan. No, God does not encourage His followers to get divorce.

God does not want you to end up being someone else’s personal property to continually be abused either. Whether it is emotional, physical, financial, or some other kind of abuse know that God is not abusive.

If the abuse comes in many forms you may be married to someone that has severe problems knowing how to show God’s love in a marital relationship. God does not want you to live like that. If you can be free from it get free from it. It may also be very hard to understand but there are some people that are so selfish that they do bother to put on a false face so they can deceive as many people as they can including their fiance’. They will learn all they can about a person’s desires and they will make all kinds of promises based on what they know you want to hear. They will also pretend to be faithful and true until the day of the wedding. It does happen.

I met several women that told me they were abused by their husbands. Two of these women were a couple of decades older than I am. They both said it took them years to get out of the homes where they were being abused. Both of these women told me that they won’t put up with stuff like that now.

If you’ve gone through abuse you know how important it is to you personally to try to warn others that life is too short to live it in fear. You hope and pray that no one else will end up having to go through some of the things you’ve gone through. You also know that it is possible that someone else may fall into the traps you fell into.

All you can do is pray for others and find ways to keep moving forward. If you see real changes in your partner and if they repeatedly prove by positive actions that they can and will do the right things then by all means give it your best shot to try to work things out. If on the other hand their track record is bad and they give you absolutely no hope of living the kind of life they promised you before our Living Lord then get out of it as quickly as possible.

Christians that go through divorce are not second class Christians. There are Christians that did not plan on getting a divorce. They were forced into the divorce when they found out they married someone that is continuously unfaithful to the marriage vows. They may have had to live in circumstances that many happily married couples cannot comprehend.

People that were in long time marriages do not always see how malicious some spouses are to their mates.

How would you feel if your mate was berating you on a regular basis and if you confronted them about it they turned on you saying you were the one that was doing the things they had done that are wrong? Be aware of the fact that some people have personality disorders that prevent them from having a healthy relationship with other people. You are not to blame if your mate has a personality disorder. People with a personality disorder are not aware that their thought or behavior patterns are inappropriate. They may not seek help on their own and if they do they may not be honest with the counselor they’ve chosen. People with such disorders tend to believe their problems are caused by other people or by things beyond their control. This is why they are sometimes masters at tossing blame at other people rather than admitting their own wrongs.

How would you feel if they tried to make you question the very words that came out of your mouth? This is another form of manipulation and control.

What if your friends, close family members, and Christian friends were concerned for your welfare when they heard how you were being treated by our spouse? If the majority of people that are close to you are concerned for your welfare there must a be a good reason if they are telling you they are concerned for your welfare.   

What if you told your spouse that and then they always copied what you said? There are all kinds of personality disorders even borderline personality disorders. Be mindful of the fact that you cannot change another person’s personality. If they treat you in a manner that is not the way God wants people treated and if they don’t seem to be able to control themselves then you probably don’t have a choice but to get out of the marriage.

What if you spouse not only lied to you but you knew your spouse lied to their family about you? It’s understood that it will be most difficult to have a joy filled family life if your spouse can’t be trusted to tell the truth.

What if you sought help and you called on friends for help when abuse started and you were told by your spouse that you were just trying to hurt them?

Who can live happily like that? The answer to this last question is no one can live happily like that.

It has often been said that we should not criticize someone if we have not walked in their shoes. If you have not been through a divorce then be thankful. If you have not had to live with an abusive husband then be thankful. If you meet someone in church that is going through a divorce or if they have gone through a divorce pray for them. Pray that God will help them be healed of the terrible things they may have gone through.

If you find out that someone is living in an abusive situation encourage them to seek wise counsel.

God is not limited. God should not be put in a box. Do your best to keep from limiting how God may tell a person to handle what they are going through.

It’s true that many divorces come just because of hardness of heart. There are some people that are so hard hearted they just don’t know how to show God’s love enough to handle a marital relationship properly.

It still takes three in a marriage. God’s love being shown by two people will keep a marriage strong and blessed.

If one of the people in the marriage does not conform to God’s way of handling things then the cord of three strands is broken.

If only one of the people in the marriage tells the truth at all times then the bond of marriage is broken.

If only one person in the marriage remains faithful then the bond of marriage is broken.

The bonds that are broken can only be repaired if the offending spouse stops breaking commitments they’ve made. If they refuse to fulfill their commitment to God to be an honest caring individual at all times then how can they fulfill their commitment to their spouse?

It has always been a belief of mine that God can heal anyone of any problem. God can heal marriages, too. Just recall that some people like being the way they are if they are actively abusive and artful at being a manipulator. Other people really need a miracle healing within themselves before they can faithfully show God’s love to a marital partner.

This was written for personal therapy.  It was also written to help other Christians focus on the fact that God does not like divorce but surely He does not like injustice either.

 The best thing a Christian woman can do when her husband is abusive to her is for her to call on fellow Christians to pray. God can heal anything. God can even heal the abusive man if he will be honest and take the right steps to correct things. If he does not correct things then he proves he has no desire to follow the ways of right living. You may also want to be aware of the fact that abusive men don’t want the woman to tell anyone how horrible he acted. It is his main objective to keep her in a form of captivity.

An abusive controlling type man may tell his wife, “Do things my way or take the highway.” 

I believe God’s Word is the way we are supposed to walk.  God may say to the man, “Do things My way for it is the highest way.” 

 

Posted in Marriage, Remember Three / Sadly Not Everyone Enjoys This Blessing | No Comments »

The Balance of God’s Word

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

I’m so glad that a sister-in-the-Lord talked to me about God’s love of a balanced scale.

Proverbs 20:23, “23Divers weights are an abomination unto the LORD; and a false balance is not good.”

Look at the Scriptures that tell a Husband to respect His wife.  How many times do you find men of God quoting those passages?

2 Timothy 4:2,  “2Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.“

I can tell you that true men of God love a balanced scale as much as God does.  Real men not only love Jesus but they love and respect their wives because they are reading God’s Word and they want to do what God says.  They will not only read the Word of God but they will live God’s way.  They will study the Word to be approved by God and they will teach holiness to other men.

I feel as though the body of Christ does not have enough men who are teaching God’s Word in it’s fullness because they don’t want to obey God’s Word fully.  I’ve seen and heard of the men that love to tell the wives how the wife should honor her husband but they neglect to tell other men to obey God by respecting their wives.

Okay so in the United States there are women walking around with a lot more freedom that we used to have.  We can vote, we can work, and we do have more freedom than women from other countries.  But in the body of Christ there are so-called God fearing men walking around oppressing their wives and children behind closed doors.  They sometimes do and say things behind those doors that they would not do or say in front of other members of the body of Christ.

I’ve heard the cries of women that have husbands that go to church with them and those men even pay their tithes.  These men are saying things that look good in the eyes of men but when God is the Only One that can see and hear what’s going on the men seem to forget that God is watching.

These men that vowed to care for their wives are sometimes badgering them to the point of causing them great emotional harm.  They don’t lift their wives up instead they are irritating their wives making them feel as though their words are not important and as if the woman has no value.

Some of these same men treated their wives with respect before they married them.  They sometimes make promises that they haven’t fulfilled.  They even speak awful words about the wives in front of their children.  Some of these men that pray sweet prayers to be seen by men as if they are holy are cursing their wives and making rash statements that pull down instead of lift up.  These type of men use the Scriptures to demand or ask the wife to fulfill whatever they want the wife to do while the men neglect to do what God requires of them to do.

I met a few sweet Christian women that were blessed to be freed from the bondage placed on them by their husbands.  They found that it was better to live alone without a husband than to have a man that was unkind and demanding behind closed doors.

Then there are the  women of God who marry a  man that appears to care about the things of God and then the woman finds herself bound to a man that is ruthless in his speech when our God is the Only One that sees and hears all that is going on.

I cannot elaborate on the things I know other women are suffering right now as I type these words because it could bring harm to the women that are suffering.  I can only tell you that I want to challenge the men and women of God that really care about the things of God to do what they know God wants them to do about this atrocity.

It is right and good for a woman to respect and honor her husband as unto the Lord.  It is right and good for a man to love his wife the way he loves himself.

Those words come from the Word of God.  God does not want a man to accuse his wife of things she hasn’t said or done.  God does not want a man to demand his own way neglecting the needs and desires of his wife.  God doesn’t want a man to treat his wife as if she doesn’t have a brain of her own and as if she has no wisdom or knowledge.

God does not want a husband to speak curse words to his wife calling her unholy names.  God does not want him to try to confuse her thinking with words of manipulation.  God wants a man to be faithful to God and God wants a man to be faithful to His wife.

The wedding vows made by both the husband and the wife should include words that say they will forsake all others.  This means that loyalty and respect should be shown to the partner.

I’ve prayed about this subject even before I recently got remarried.  These things need shared in the body of Christ.  Fellow believers need to show the love of God in their own homes realizing God sees everything.

If anyone thinks he can hide things from God they better think again.

Proverbs 16:25,  “25There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.“

I Peter 4:5, 5Who shall give account to him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.

Romans 14:12, 12So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

Matthew 12:36, 36But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.

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Verses From Ephesians 5 About Marriage

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

19Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

20Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;

21Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

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Men Ought To Love Their Wives

Monday, November 9th, 2009

I met a woman in the store the other day. She said she had gone through a divorce.  She told me that the largest problem in her marriage was the way her husband was disrespectful.

She told me these things when I asked her what she was looking for in a man.  The first word that came out of her mouth was the word, “RESPECT.”

God’s Word backs her up in telling her to look for a man that will respect her.

She and I went on to talk about how sad it is that Christian men may quickly remind their wives that the wife is to submit to the husband but the man isn’t always as eager to remind himself what God’s Word tells him he should do as a Christian husband.

For a man to love his wife like Christ loves the church is a high calling in and of itself.  I believe if more men showed their wives the respect God wants them to show their wives then more wives would be more than happy to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord.

I’ve written before about how I believe submission unto the Lord probably means that a woman should submit to her husband as the Lord wants her to submit to her husband.  In my opinion and in the opinion of many Bible educators/scholars it is said that this type of submission does not mean a woman is meant to follow the husband’s every whim and wish.  The man should be the spiritual head of the household.  The husband should be seeking God in all things.   If the man is trying to use his place of authority as a tool to get every thing he wants every moment he wants something then his motives are wrong.

The wife can see when her husband is being pushy and abusive.  She can easily see if and when the man makes sure that all the things he selfishly wants cared for gets cared for and she can see when the things that are important to her get ignored.  This is a form of abuse of authority.

God doesn’t like ugly.  God knows the hearts of all mankind.

Women should submit to their husbands as unto the Lord and Men should love their wives like Christ loves the church.  Christ loves the church so much that he gave His own life.

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Parents Of Married Adult Children

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

I was blessed to be taught many good Scriptural lessons by Ron & Nola Johnson of Sarasota, Florida.  Both of these wonderful God fearing people are now with the Lord.  When they were living on this earth they spent many years sharing the full Gospel with as many people as God put in their path.

I was one of those people.  I spent four years attending their place of fellowship and spent a couple of decades continuing to contact them for prayer and fellowship by letter, email, and/or telephone.

I learned so many good things from them that I am not able to list them in one writing.

They did teach me things about marriage that were great eye openers for me.

I recall Ron using the words stating that parents shouldn’t exasperate their children.

ex·as·per·ate (g-zsp-rt)  http://www.thefreedictionary.com/exasperate

tr.v. ex·as·per·at·ed, ex·as·per·at·ing, ex·as·per·ates
1. To make very angry or impatient; annoy greatly.
2. To increase the gravity or intensity of: “a scene . . . that exasperates his rose fever and makes him sneeze” (Samuel Beckett).

[Latin exasperre, exaspert- : ex-, intensive pref.; see ex- + asperre, to make rough (from asper, rough).]
God’s Word tells a parent that they should train up their children to know the Lord.  His Word also tells us in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”
It is easier for me to see how important it is to keep from making your children too rough now that I am older.  I wish I had been softer and gentler than I was at times.  I’m consoled knowing I did the best I could do.  I just want to try to pass on the things I’ve learned so maybe other parents can put the good things from the Bible into practice so their children will be immensely blessed by God’s way of doing things.
I do recall telling my sons that they should make sure they never let me (their Mother) to become more important in their lives than their wives.  I think that is the best advice a parent can give to their children.  I’ve known of men that made their parent’s advice and way of doing things so important that they missed the blessing (at least for a while) of learning how to do things God’s way making a united decision with their mate as God planned for things to go.  Women have been guilty of having the same problem.  I also taught my daughters that they should submit to their husbands as unto the Lord.  Please recall that as unto the Lord (in my opinion & in the opinions of many Bible teachers I’ve heard) does not mean the man acts like an overbearing tyrant that treats his wife’s opinion with contempt.  The woman is not to become like a puppet on a string. 
I believe that men and women of God that are married should heed God’s Word by making sure they not only teach their children the Scriptures but they live out what the Scriptures say. 
Parents, Are you encouraging your married children to cleave to their mates or are you sticking your nose in where it does not belong?  Parents, Have you fulfilled your obligation to love your married children so much that you quit trying to take on your married children’s obligations?  Do you believe you could be a hindrance to your adult married children’s relationship if you encourage your children to tell you personal things about their mates and then undermine the bond that God wants them to have with one another?
I would expect all parents to help their married children by giving them good Scriptural advice if they see their child or grandchildren are being abused by the mate they’ve chosen to marry.  I’m against abuse and believe God even allows us to use the present laws of our land for protection if and when it is needed. 
I’ve been reminded lately that a parent with married children shows the love they have for their children best if they butt out of their married child’s affairs.  How can you love your child if you are not following the Word of God by releasing them to their mate and releasing them into God’s capable hands as you should?  How are you showing faith in God to provide your adult children with the guidance He wants them to take if you are giving them advice that He did not intend for you to give them?  How do you expect your adult  married children or grandchildren to learn to rely on God if they are still relying on you when it is Scripturally incorrect for you to be that strongly involved in their lives?
I am not saying it is wrong to be helpful to your family members.  It is always good to be led by God’s Holy Spirit in helping others especially those in your own family.  I’m just sharing things I had to learn the hard way about minding your own business as God wants you to do. 
I Thessalonians 4:11, “And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;”
Some translations say something like: lead a quiet life and mind your own business.  Sounds like good advice to me.  I pray I can follow that advice better now and in the future. 
I’ve also come to believe that once an adult child leaves the parent’s home to marry &/or remarry it is the parent’s responsibility to learn to let go of that child.  They would naturally pray for the child.  It just seems best if they recall that their adult married child is no longer under their covering.  When the adult child leaves the parental covering finding their own mate or even taking on the wrong behavior of living with a person out of wedlock the parent(s) are released from all forms of responsibility to that child except for the things we are happy to do called owing them nothing but love. 
Some parents are exasperated by their children because their children or grandchildren start to act like the parents owe them more than what they’ve received already.  This behavior should not be rewarded in my opinion.
Colossians 3:22“Servants obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart fearing God;”
There came a time in my own life when an adult child of mine left our home due to her own disobedience. She did not want to obey the rules of the household. We were encouraged by Bible teachers and by our own personal convictions that the oldest daughter was no longer able to abide in our home since she refused to follow the household guidelines.
I wasn’t sure at first if we were doing the right thing.  It sounds so bad to have to tell your own child that they are no longer welcome in your home because they won’t follow the rules.  When they are adults you have little room for debate. 
It was amazing how Christian radio stations were airing the messages we needed to hear right when we needed those messages. Tough love messages were coming forth.  People that studied the Word of God were confirming that parents sometimes had to get so tough on their adult children they would have to send them away from home when those adult children would become rebels.
There were others that did not understand our actions.  There were family members that seemed to attack us as if they felt we were doing the wrong thing by casting our adult daughter out of our home.  Those family members didn’t know what it was to have an adult child act the way our daughter was acting and they didn’t listen to our personal feelings about how wrong it is for a child to be abusive to the parents that had lovingly done all they could to help their child become a responsible adult. I did feel as though I was raked over the coals for doing what I believed was the right thing to do.  I won’t tell how awful the daughter had started to act because she has repented in several ways for her wrong behavior and that is part of her past.  I’m just mentioning this so others can be reminded that there may be times when you stand up for what you believe in and it may look very wrong to those that do not understand tough love. It is also mentioned because of the fact that an adult child may pull themselves out from under the loving covering that God intends for them to have.  As a parent you are left to choose wheter you will try to be your adult child’s savior or whether you will release that adult child to do as they please even though it gives you great pain to see it happen.
It is so easy for other people to criticize you for doing what you believe is right.  It’s easy for them to say how they’d handle things when they are not the ones being abused.  Each person must do what they believe is right.  We can’t be menpleasers and God pleasers at the same time.
Do you know what?  We did what we believed was right even though others didn’t understand it.  They were not living in our home and they were not the ones being abused.  They also did not understand the way that I felt God was telling us that He did not want us to help her in her destructive ways.  One of my favorite Scriptures comes to mind when  I think of parents dealing with their adult married children. 
Romans 8:14, ”For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are  the sons of God.”
It’s not easy being a parent.  You know you will always love your child.  Please just love them enough to let them go especially once they’ve married.  Trust God to help them learn the lessons they need to learn.  Trust God to meet their needs when you pray for them.  Don’t give them too much lest they become dependent on you instead of dependent on God and interdependent on their mate united in a way that God wants them united.  If you love God you will obey Him.  If you love your children you will teach them to do things His way.  It is clearly stated in the old and the new testaments that the married couple is to leave the parents.  That has taken on new meaning for me now that I’ve seen the importance of a parent’s obligation to leave their children alone once they are married as well as the adult married child’s responsibility to cleave to their new mate.
Recall these Scriptures:Genesis 2:23-25 (King James Version23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.Matthew 19:4-6 (King James Version)4And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.Mark 10:6-8 (King James Version)6But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.7For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.Ephesians 5:30-32 (King James Version)30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
It is no wonder there are so many divorces even within the body of Christ when you think of all the ways some parents and grandparents don’t do what God is showing them must be done.  If the parents won’t quit sticking their noses in where they don’t belong then the married man and woman must find a way to break away from letting their own parents or other people from dominating their lives. 
Married Women of God, Do you quickly run to your parents for advice when you have problems with your mate?  Don’t you think you can find some good Scriptural advice or counseling from a good pastor’s wife that follows the ways of the Lord?  Married Men of God, Do you tell personal problems you have with your wife to other people or to your parents or siblings?  Don’t you think you are able to find Scriptural advice from some other source?  Don’t you both think it’s best to first go on your knees before the Lord together in prayer asking God to guide you?
When you help your mate you are helping yourself.  When you harm your mate you are harming yourself. 
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/interdependentinterdependent – mutually dependentmutualist, mutually beneficialdependent – relying on or requiring a person or thing forsupport, supply, or what is needed; “dependent children”; “dependent on moisture”

 

 

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Pray For The Newlyweds

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

I’ve received word about two different sets of newlyweds that got married in the past few weeks.

I don’t know why each of these couples let me know they are married but they haven’t told other people about this yet. Maybe they like having their special times together without everyone else knowing it.  It’s nice for couples to keep their little secrets together.
A good friend of mine from Florida talked to me yesterday.  She retold me a story of a man giving her and her husband advice once they got married.  The man walked up to them and told them he wanted to give them some advice.  I guess they rolled their eyes when he said that to them.  He went on to tell them that he knew they had probably been getting lots of advice from many people.  He then said he wanted to give them the best advice they could receive.  He said, “Don’t listen to anyone else’s advice!”

It’s humorous but it has a ring of truth to it, doesn’t it?

Christian people that are married and have been married for a long time know that the relationship they share is supposed to be sacred.  Other people are not supposed to know everything about them and they are not supposed to govern them or control them.  God declares that the couple should leave parents and cleave to their married partner. 

Let us pray for all newlyweds that they can keep their marriage bed undefiled and that they can join together as one making right decisions without being stained by other people’s opinions.  Let us pray that they will unite as one the way God intends for them to unite. 

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Two People Working Together To Keep Their Marriage Strong R3

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

I listened to a minister talking on the tv last night.  I saw the name Stowall Weems written at the bottom of the broadcast.

I penned down the things I could as he spoke and I tried to recall some of the other things he talked about.

He spoke of Words written in Proverbs 5.  He talked about a man watering his own garden.  I won’t elaborate on this site about all the things he said after he encouraged married couples to make sure they had special times of intimacy together as often as possible.  I did feel he was right when he talked about those things.

The things he shared before he talked about Proverbs 5 caught my attention.  If I understood all he said about a study that was conducted at Harvard University this is what he said:

He mentioned how the divorce rate is very high in our land.  He had numbers that I didn’t have time to write down.  He went on to say that a certain number of Christian couples were studied, he said the number was over 1200 as a matter of fact he thought it was 1262 or more Christian couples that were studied.  Out of that group of 1262 or so only 1 of those couples had divorced.  The thing that the other couples had in common were then listed.

He said the couples that stayed together had nurtured their relationship with God together.

He specifically said the winning couples had:

  1. Prayed together
  2. Read the Bible together
  3. Went to church together

I was glad I got the pen to write those 3 things down.  The preacher from Jacksonville, FL was giving people a way to help keep their marriage alive as well as keeping their relationship with God alive.

That man also talked of the importance of a spouse honoring their spouse especially in front of the opposite sex.  It honors your spouse to speak good things about them.  

My personal thoughts after typing those words are as follows:

If you have a troubled relationship it may be a very good thing to get counseling through a good Christian counselor.  It may even be good to use a counselor that isn’t a part of your own church so there is a lower chance of the counselor forgetting that things shared need kept private.  It is always good to pray together asking God for help in your relationship.  If both parties in the marriage continue to seek God’s face and they continue to keep their marriage sacred there is a stronger chance of keeping that marriage undefiled.

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